I Can Pinch More Than An Inch

"I can pinch more than an inch"
I read it in a book somewhere
As a child.
I pinch myself and am relieved that I can barely pull my skin away.

"I can pinch more than an inch!"
My sister teases me as she pinches my side.
I pinch myself
And while I'm still too young to know exactly how big an inch is
I'm positive that the skin between my fingers is less than that.

"I can pinch more than an inch"
I can hear it in my head as I look in the mirror each morning of puberty.
I know it's impossible, but each day I think I can see an extra inch added.

"I can pinch more than an inch..."
I whisper this to myself as I try on clothes in the dressing room.
I want to look nice, to be attractive.
I leave without buying anything.

"I can pinch more than an inch"
I tell my reflection
As I grab at the handfuls of fat on my body.
I cry.

"I can pinch more than an inch"
The saying that has haunted me my whole life.
It rings in my ears
As I dress myself to cover up my body with "flattering" clothes.

"I can pinch more than an inch"
I cover my ears as I curl into myself
Trying to become as small as I can.

Unrequited?

I'm so sick of being in love with you
I just want to be over you-
Able to move on and fall head over heels
With a future I'll actually be allowed
To have.
Each thought of you causes my heart to race
And my palms to sweat.
Though the miles may part us, my heart does not calm.
That can't be healthy.
You've set my world on fire
And I know I'll be cold
Without even the embers of hope to keep me warm.
You told me that it can't be.
But you left me with logic;
Able to reason out the love in your words.
Release me.
Cut me off.
Break my heart.
Hurt.
Me.
So that I can heal myself from you.

Love

My head is full
Of you.
Your voice is leaking out of my ears.
Your name colors every word from my tongue.
The smell of you lingers near my nose.
I can't stop seeing your face
Behind my eyelids
Each
Time
I
Blink.

My fingers itch to be in yours.
To keep them still I've written you a letter.
And I wrote it again.
And again.
On post-it notes.
On notebook paper.
On my heart.

I fear you
And the happiness you bring.
No single being should hold such power.
Because a word from you-
A retreating back,
A wave goodbye,
Could strike me down where I stand.

Your Hug

Your strong arms around me,

Hugging away my stress,

Are the only things keeping me sane today.

But I'm always forced to pull away too quickly.

There are so many reasons

I keep myself in check with you.

Boundaries of circumstance,

Uncertainty of your reciprocation,

Fear of losing one of my favorite friends.

But none can keep me from seeking comfort

In your hug.

Because when I'm pulling out my hair

You keep me sane,

And when I slip up

And show my affection-

You don't turn me away.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 30

-Open Hearted Welcome-

On the last day of April
It is the first hazy day of spring.
All I can focus on is the road in front of me
The feel of my best friends hand in mine
And the sound of her voice as she tells me the world.
The sky is full of colors
And soft, glowing clouds
But all there is
Is comforting words
Followed closely by laughter
And then revelations.
I'm here to welcome in May
With the open heart
Of a listener.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 29

-Warm Laughter In An Air Conditioned Theater-

On days that start like today
You don't expect much.
When you wake up to discomfort
And anxiety
And anger
You make assumptions
That all that will stay with you.
But today didn't move how it was supposed to.
In an air conditioned theater
With a friend,
I let our warm laughter lift my mood
And change my day.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 28

-Games-

I've played your game for so long.
I've known the rules
And I've followed them for 3 years.
And then as soon as I give up,
Throw down my cards,
Cash out my chips,
You change the rules.
You get to win the whole game,
While I'm left wondering how this all works.
Have fun playing,
I'm done with the games.