NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 2

-Notes on a Thursday-

Reruns
And junk food
And cats

Anger-irrational
And confusion
And broken promises

Wondering
And waiting
And wishing

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 1

-Medicine-

Everyone says that laughter is the best medicine,
But lately the medicine hasn't been enough
To chase away the crippling disease.
Maybe I need some real medicine
Something more then the 2 hour high
Of playing and learning and laughing.
Or maybe there isn't any real medicine that can help.
Maybe I'm sick forever.

Sometimes Even An Imagined Relationship Can Be Broken

United by the matching scars on our wrists

We found each other 

And pulled ourselves together.

Like moths to a light, 

We were drawn to the despair in one another.

Neither caring that we'd be zapped when we got too close.

You didn't care that my skin had rough patches.

Or that some nights I could barely talk or stop myself from crying.

Or that I was almost always stressing out about something.

And how could you?

When I didn't care that sometimes you would shake from anger.

Always managing to hold it in until I was safely away.

We were broken together.

We found each other.

And pulled ourselves together.

Three Poems On One Topic

1-
I'm lost.
Swallowed up by a haze
That I swallowed down by mistake
And that took me over
Erasing everything in it's path.
I don't know where I've been.
I don't know how I got here.
I don't know how I could let this happen.
I don't know WHAT happened.

2-
I'm scared that I lost more
So much more
Than memories and trust and my sense of safety.
I'm scared that I lost your respect.
Because you used to look at me
And for a second it was almost as if I mattered.
You haven't looked at me since.
But then, we've been apart.
I just want you to look at me again.

3-
I've become a statistic.
Another cautionary tail.
I never thought I'd be the one.
And yet...
"You were lucky""It could have been worse"
"Maybe next time you won't..."
Maybe next time I won't...?
I didn't DO anything.
I'm just going to go over here now
And try to escape the fog
Before it takes me over again
And makes me hurt someone else.

I Can Pinch More Than An Inch

"I can pinch more than an inch"
I read it in a book somewhere
As a child.
I pinch myself and am relieved that I can barely pull my skin away.

"I can pinch more than an inch!"
My sister teases me as she pinches my side.
I pinch myself
And while I'm still too young to know exactly how big an inch is
I'm positive that the skin between my fingers is less than that.

"I can pinch more than an inch"
I can hear it in my head as I look in the mirror each morning of puberty.
I know it's impossible, but each day I think I can see an extra inch added.

"I can pinch more than an inch..."
I whisper this to myself as I try on clothes in the dressing room.
I want to look nice, to be attractive.
I leave without buying anything.

"I can pinch more than an inch"
I tell my reflection
As I grab at the handfuls of fat on my body.
I cry.

"I can pinch more than an inch"
The saying that has haunted me my whole life.
It rings in my ears
As I dress myself to cover up my body with "flattering" clothes.

"I can pinch more than an inch"
I cover my ears as I curl into myself
Trying to become as small as I can.

Unrequited?

I'm so sick of being in love with you
I just want to be over you-
Able to move on and fall head over heels
With a future I'll actually be allowed
To have.
Each thought of you causes my heart to race
And my palms to sweat.
Though the miles may part us, my heart does not calm.
That can't be healthy.
You've set my world on fire
And I know I'll be cold
Without even the embers of hope to keep me warm.
You told me that it can't be.
But you left me with logic;
Able to reason out the love in your words.
Release me.
Cut me off.
Break my heart.
Hurt.
Me.
So that I can heal myself from you.

Love

My head is full
Of you.
Your voice is leaking out of my ears.
Your name colors every word from my tongue.
The smell of you lingers near my nose.
I can't stop seeing your face
Behind my eyelids
Each
Time
I
Blink.

My fingers itch to be in yours.
To keep them still I've written you a letter.
And I wrote it again.
And again.
On post-it notes.
On notebook paper.
On my heart.

I fear you
And the happiness you bring.
No single being should hold such power.
Because a word from you-
A retreating back,
A wave goodbye,
Could strike me down where I stand.