NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 30

-Open Hearted Welcome-

On the last day of April
It is the first hazy day of spring.
All I can focus on is the road in front of me
The feel of my best friends hand in mine
And the sound of her voice as she tells me the world.
The sky is full of colors
And soft, glowing clouds
But all there is
Is comforting words
Followed closely by laughter
And then revelations.
I'm here to welcome in May
With the open heart
Of a listener.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 29

-Warm Laughter In An Air Conditioned Theater-

On days that start like today
You don't expect much.
When you wake up to discomfort
And anxiety
And anger
You make assumptions
That all that will stay with you.
But today didn't move how it was supposed to.
In an air conditioned theater
With a friend,
I let our warm laughter lift my mood
And change my day.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 28

-Games-

I've played your game for so long.
I've known the rules
And I've followed them for 3 years.
And then as soon as I give up,
Throw down my cards,
Cash out my chips,
You change the rules.
You get to win the whole game,
While I'm left wondering how this all works.
Have fun playing,
I'm done with the games.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 27

-The Sky And I-

At noon the sky was dark-
A tumultuous, menacing, black.
It's holding something back
Something secret and possibly abominable.
The sky and I are one in the same-
Keeping secrets back from the world,
Becoming dark and scary inside,
Until we can no longer hold back
And all hell breaks loose.
Today at half past noon
The sky opened up
And it hailed.
The sky and I are no longer the same
My hail is yet to come.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 26

-Modern Medicine-

I never feel good when I'm like this.
Why would I?
Then it wouldn't be what it is.
They say anxiety and depression go hand in hand.
So why do I feel like I'm left with my palms empty
And lifted up to the skies
Begging.
Begging for some kind of change that will never come.
When they told me I was probably right,
That I was experiencing anxiety,
They didn't make it official.
Nowhere does it say that I've been diagnosed with anything.
All my ailments are speculative.
I've received treatment in the barest way.
When they dismissed me after one and a half visits
Because I was "sleeping a little better"
They were telling me that I was fixed
When in fact I felt more broken than before.
Now I self medicate with herbs,
With pins and needles,
With nothing helpful.
Because they didn't diagnose me.
They shuffled me around, because what I was feeling
Wasn't enough to go on.
Wasn't ENOUGH to be a problem.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 25

-Labyrinth-

I'm chasing my heart
Through a labyrinth.
And around every corner
Is a new face for me to think I like.
But I've started to realize
That these are tricks of the maze.
Only the ones that keep appearing
Are real.
And the one that has been coming back
The most frequently, and the most consistently
Is the one I should trust.
But it's also the one I can't have.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 24

-Warring With Myself-

I don't know why I'm suddenly so upset
Because something so little set me off
And the thing that I'm upset about
Is something I know I have no reason to react to
I wish I could use my words as weapons
Because that would be easier
But sometimes
My silence cuts deeper than anything I could say

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 23

-The Hole-

Falling down the hole
The water filling my lungs
Until it turns to sand and glass
Choking the breath out of me.
Slowly
Slowly
Clawing my way out of the pit
Branches scrapping at my flesh
Leaving wounds
And muddy clothes behind

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 22

-Acupunture-

The sharp points of pain
Distract
Leaving behind an aching numbness
Eradicating the tension
In the ropes of muscles
Between my shoulder blades and neck.
I have become a jellyfish
Floating through space.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 21

-Unexpected-

I started the day as a giant bundle of nerves
And stress
And sick, icky, feelings.
I walked through the day with an overwhelming sense of dread
And fear
And general discomfort.
But through words
And loving touches
And thoughtful gestures of love
I began to change.
Not only in a moment by moment sense,
But in a world view sort of way.
This day turned out nothing like I planned,
But exponentially more wonderful.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 20

-A Metaphorical Poem Where Car=Me-

My car has run out of gas.
It has been running on fumes for miles now.
I've been tempted to park myself someplace and wait for help
And just get high on the vapors of my energy.
But my car has run out of gas
At the edge of a cliff.
Now I'm left teetering on the ledge.
Stuck somewhere between panic and serenity.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 19

-Testimonies-

The smell of smudged cedar lingers in the air
As I sit with my back to the wall
And my face to my world.
In front of me there are beautiful souls
Who are in my heart.
I feel it is my duty to take care of them.
There isn't much to say on this day
Because these beautiful people
Who have entrusted themselves to me
Have rendered me speechless.
They've left me broken and crying and beyond myself
And then they've lifted me up and flown me to the sky
Into the sun and the rainbows.
I'll leave you with these thoughts
Because they are no longer mine.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 18

-Feeling-

Heart wrenching sadness
Overwhelming love
Ever present stress
Lingering anger and fear.
I feel that perhaps I feel
These feelings much stronger
Like a wave on a beach
Creeping up and dragging you under.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 17

-Theater Family-

We are growing closer

Until we bind together

And become family.

There are those who will fight it,

But in the end it's a good thing.

When the time comes

It will hurt to leave our new family

But we survive,

Because we will always have now.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 16

-Schedule-

My life has not been on schedule
For approximately 3 weeks.
Since we started scheduling every
Single
Moment.
So maybe, no schedule
Would be best?

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 15

-My Friend The Song-

Yesterday the moon
Was my guide and my best friend.
Today it's a song.
It's only Tuesday
But I'm ready to finish it up already.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 14

-Goodnight Mrs. Moon-

The moon tells me things;
She whispers to me at night.
Most people think
That it's a man that lives in the moon,
But I know better.
She is my guide.
She is ever changing.
She waxes and wanes
But she always comes back to me
If I only wait long enough.
I love you Mrs. Moon.
Goodnight Moon.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 13

-Rearranging-

There have been so many changes
Happening so fast
My life in a constant
Upswing.
Anger no longer tinges
Our interactions
But instead they are instead laced
With confusion and the need for space.
While the stress of constant life
Has not resolved
It has refocused and clarified
Into a workable
Functioning
Jumble.
I feel like I can breathe
And relax
And thrive

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 12

-Crumble-

I'm not sure what I did
To cause my world to crumble
And faaaaalllllll
Into disarray.
But I've done it
And I can't take it back
So I have to learn to live with it
And to go from here.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 11

• -I Forgot-

When it slips your mind
To write a poem today
There is too much stuff

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 10

-Carrying The Load-

Saving a life-other than my own
Is outside my realm.
And yet everyday
I feel like I am carrying lives with me.
About 30 or so.
Trust placed in me
When I can barely believe that I deserve it.
These beings who trust me to take care of them
And witness them
And carry them
Through this process.
It's an unbearable load.
But here, in this land, in this time,
We are made of magic
And joy
And laughter
And I can carry this load
For a little while

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 9

-Can't Let It Go-

I can't let it go
These feelings that are bottling up
Inside of me.
Fear, and hope, and love, and anger, and hurt
And something else
That I can't quite get a hold of
Or put a name on yet.
But I know that
Feelings can spring up on you
And that soon
Soon
All will be known.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 8

-Bad Idear Tuesday-

I am out drinking
Writing a poem on a Mobil phone
Before I get too drunk

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day7

-Shadows-

Dark shadows,
With swirling tendrils,
Float into my mind
And take over my brain.
The shadow seeps
Sloooooooooowly
From my head down
Down
Down
Tensing my shoulders along the way
Clenching my fists, tightening my back
Spring loading my muscles.
My heart races ahead
Trying fruitlessly to outrun the wispy fingers.
The shadowy hands stir up my belly
Tying my guts into knots that may never untie.
Finally it reaches my toes clenching and unclenching
Until they cramp and pain shoots up my legs.
I am all shadow.
A creature of self doubt,
Stress,
Anxiety,
Uncertainty.
The lightness that shone through me
Only moments ago
Gone in the blink of an eye,
Gone in the casting of a shadow.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 6

-Unwritten Stories-

Stories in my head
Never written
Just repeated.
Full fledged fantasies
That I've contemplated writing down.
What stops me?
That twinkling doubt
In the back of my mind
That they will never be
Good
Enough.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 5

-Burned Out-

Finally a break from this
Endless
Stressful
Week.
Never have I been so ready
To have a day off from theater.
Is this a sign that I shouldn't continue?
Have I wasted my knowledge and passion
On something so fleeting?
Or am I simply burned out?
Ready to jump back in
Once my batteries recharge.
I guess I'll find out
After a half a days rest.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 4

-Stress Less Communication-

Look at us.
Look at how we communicate, or don't.
Look at how you treat me.
Am I your equal or your inferior?
Let me take care of myself.
I'll tell you if it's too much.
I'll take what I need.
Until it comes to confronting you,
And speaking out.
Because I am mute when it comes to conflict
Silence is my virtue and my prison.
I will be over here stressing about how you won't let me be stressed
While you try to help me some more.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 3

-Self Care-

To sitting in silence
To reading a book
To eating a snack
To taking a nap
To meditating
To self care
To self love
To this wonderful cast

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 2

-Critique-

Transforming into my own worst enemy
For others to see
While my own worst enemy sits inside
And judges me for my portrayal.
What a journey that is.
What a change.
What a harsh reality.

NaPoWriMo 2014 Day 1

-On The Cusp-

The beginning of so many things.
I am on the cusp of creativity.
Standing
             On
                  The
                        Edge
Just waiting to jump.
I've dipped my toe.
                        Creating
            Ripple                rings
Spreading                           outwards
        And then             Closing in
                         Again.
Day 1 down.
Ready to start day 2.