Michael

I find it hard to believe-
So many things these days.

How happy I am
How fast time moves
How little money I make
How much I love you

But mostly,
I find it hard to believe
That I've never written a poem about you.

Never written how you've changed me,
Irrevocably.
Never put to verse how peacefully I sleep next to you,
With your too hot skin pressed to me in places,
And your soft breathing as my lullaby.
Never immortalized the cliche,
"You complete me"

But because I haven't written a poem about you,
I've gotten to love you so much more.
You aren't someone who makes me cry and need to write out all my emotions
In some pretty way to have them make sense.

You're real. And here.
And so very much mine.
I can speak my emotions to you.
They don't have to be pretty.
And that's why.
This is the first poem about you.

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 30

-Summary of April-

This month-
No this year-
Has left me feeling like I'm spiraling out of control
Even as I'm picking up the broken pieces of my life
And lifting myself up.
Nothing but negativity in my brain
While I portray happiness
And upbeat moods.
I can't shake the feeling
I'm headed for a big reveal.

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 29

-Dream-

Last night I had a dream
Where I was in love
With the perfect man
And I was happy.
My life was the same
With just one slight change
And I was happy.
I was awakened too early
By the sound of the phone
And I felt the loss of my perfect life
And I have been sad all day.

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 28

-My Future-

Someday I want to have made it.
I don't need to be famous or crazy rich.
I don't need to see my name up in lights
Or get recognized all the time.
But I need to be doing what I love.
I need to be involved somehow
In the world that I love.

Some days I can't see it.
My future is limited
To the next posted work schedule.
Maybe a family trip in July.
But further than that is a mystery
One that I'm no closer to solving.

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 27

-Radio Silence Part 2-

I've written about radio silence before
But back then it wasn't a surprise.
To someone with no self confidence
Being ignored by a crush is par for the course.
But this time,
When it's everyone I care about,
All at once,
I'm caught off guard.
All I hear is static
And I'm left wondering who I should call for back up,
When my back ups have all gone quiet.

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 26

-Mortality-

Swollen joints
Aching muscles
And yet I'm so young.
My health is failing me
And facing my own mortality
Has never been my strong suit

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 25

-You-

I'd forgotten how much i hate you
Or maybe I didn't even know
Until I saw you avoiding eye contact
In the grocery store
Where I work

I felt a sudden red hot anger
And all I wanted was for you
To see me
Purposely avoiding
You

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 24

-Giving Up-

Nothing but negativity
Swirling and eating away at my brain.
All my own
No other collaborators.

It seems like everyone
Is giving up on me.
So I'm giving up too.
On me
On them
On trying
On caring.

There's really only so much I can do
So much I can take
Only so much you can ignore me
Before I give up
And we've reached that point
So goodnight and good luck
I'm done

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 23

-Habits-

"Old habits die hard"
I tell myself
"But new old habits are hard to form"

I'm trying to turn over a new leaf
Start a new chapter in my life
Change things

Because right now
I hate myself
And all that I've become

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 22

-The Last Hour-

The last hour moves the slowest
The fatigue sets in
My feet feel like lead
My eyes get heavy
And I don't have enough time to finish my extra tasks
They ask me to stay late
Everyone says I have a friendly face
So they come to me
But that makes my day go longer
I just want the last hour to be done

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 21

-Silly Something Going Wrong-

When everything starts to feel
Like it's going so well
It only stands to reason that
Something will go wrong.

Something so stupid and
Silly
But still enough
To make the anxiety go through the roof.

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 20

-Symbol of a Friend-

I carry you
-symbolically-
In my pocket today.
When I'm nearly sick from anxiety
This small token
Slipped in next to my phone and keys
Kept my head on straight.
Even after I forgot that you were there
Your spirit was there.
My only hope is that you carry me with you
And I keep you calm

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 19

-Just The Beginning-

Just beginning the race

And already I'm exhausted

With no end in sight

My muscles ache

Sweat drips from my brow

I just want to give up

And give in

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 18

-Self  Hatred-

As of late
I hate myself.
I look in the mirror and see almost nothing that I like.
And the inside is no better.
I annoy even myself-
I catch myself speaking and I want to say
"Shut up! Nothing you say is interesting!"

I'm working on it.
Everyone says that you need to love yourself,
But it's harder then it looks.
Working out
Shutting up
Therapy
Getting nowhere with any of it

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 17

-Relax-

Sitting out in the open air
Surrounded by forest
Looking up at the clear blue sky.

The sun beats down upon my skin,
The wind slides over me like a smooth caress.
I am momentarily at peace

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 16

-Out of the Darkness?-

Today was a high point
In a string of low ones
So long since I've had a full day
Of a good mood.
Does this mean I'm on the way out of the darkness?
Time to wait and see again

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 15

-Unhappy-

All I want is to be happy
Not anxious
Or nervous
Or sad
But those are all I can feel
Long, unending stretches of numbness
Punctuated by brief moments
Drug like joy followed by a hard come down
So much worse then any drug
I'm searching in all the wrong places
Not trying to find myself
Just looking to find something to keep me busy
Someone to keep my mind off things
Yet keeping secrets from them when I find them
Left alone in my depression
I'll continue to trudge along
Until I finally find peace

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 14

-First Working Day-

Every muscle hurts
Exhausted and sore, must sleep
Successful first day

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 13

-Mediocre-

Never good enough
Always just okay
I'm never going to be more then mediocre

I'm a second rate actor
My voice is pretty good, but I'll never be amazing
My art is limited
And my directing skills are limited by my personality

Over and over
These thoughts dominate my mind

I'll never be good enough
Never be pretty enough
Can't be top at my job
Can't win any awards

Negativity spreads
Faster then any disease
And darker then any night

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 12

-Starting Fresh-

Finally feeling
That I belong somewhere again
Getting a new start

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 11

-New Beginnings-

New dawn rising over the forest
Entering a new world without windows
Sitting in a chair all day
Learning
New responsibilities and
New anxieties
With everything I've known before
Wiped away

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 10

-Best Friends Forever-

"Best friends forever"
You seal it with a pinky promise
The first time it's declared

"Best friends forever"
As you giggle
Over whispered secrets in the night

"Best friends forever"
Raising a toast
Or a more likely a shot

"Best friends forever"
Reaffirmed as you hug goodbye
For who knows how long

"Best friends forever"
You clutch her hand
As you both cry at the hospital

"Best friends forever"
You scoff
As you respond to her text

"Best friends forever"
As she holds you
While you cry yourself out

"Best friends forever"
Sealed with a pinky promise
Just like it was that very first time

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 9

-Painful Haiku-

Aching knee muscles
Limiting my motions range
No cause to speak of

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 8

-Sometimes-

In improv they say
"Don't ask questions"
But sometimes a question can make your whole day.

Eye contact
Isn't always needed
But sometimes a quick glance can set your heart a flutter

Bad days happen
And they leave you feeling trapped in them
But sometimes the whole day can take a turn because of a few laughs

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 7

-Some Days-

Some days all I can see is the flaws
I pick and pick and pick
At my skin
At my hair
At my personality.
And all I can feel is lethargic
And I just give up.

Today is one of those days.

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 6

-Let's Make A List-

Feeling nothing
But negative energy
Sinking
           Into
                 My
                      Self
So here's, instead, a list
Of the better things in my life:

A new job
A place to live
Friendships that can stand the test of time
And space
And silence.
Comedy-once a week
Crafting while watching TV.
Fictional characters who bring me comfort
And love
And an escape.
The hope that someday I'll be someone
My cat cuddling close
And gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches.

My list could be longer
But it could also be shorter
And that's one more thing to add to my list.

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 5

-Giving In-

Resisting
The urge
To give in
To the laziness
To the loneliness
To the left behind feelings
And finally saying
FUCK IT!
And giving in.

2.5 seconds have passed.

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 4

-Nightmares-

Subtle reminders of my most horrible night
An offhand comment about unrelated topics
And suddenly I'm paralyzed by memories
Unable to control the spinning
The feeling of interrupted equilibrium
Is this what it feels like to be triggered?
What being stuck in a waking nightmare is like?
I need a wake up call
To be shaken out of my stubbor
Because I don't have good dreams anymore

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 3

-Standing Still-

Forced words and actions
Alike
Achieving nothing
But still doing it all.
It's like running in a dream
Where everything stands still
And you can't break free.
Or as my nightmares go,
You can't keep your balance on solid ground.
Expending so much energy
For so few results.
I'm tired of standing still.
I'm tired of falling down.
I'm tired.

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 2

-Notes on a Thursday-

Reruns
And junk food
And cats

Anger-irrational
And confusion
And broken promises

Wondering
And waiting
And wishing

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 1

-Medicine-

Everyone says that laughter is the best medicine,
But lately the medicine hasn't been enough
To chase away the crippling disease.
Maybe I need some real medicine
Something more then the 2 hour high
Of playing and learning and laughing.
Or maybe there isn't any real medicine that can help.
Maybe I'm sick forever.

Sometimes Even An Imagined Relationship Can Be Broken

United by the matching scars on our wrists

We found each other 

And pulled ourselves together.

Like moths to a light, 

We were drawn to the despair in one another.

Neither caring that we'd be zapped when we got too close.

You didn't care that my skin had rough patches.

Or that some nights I could barely talk or stop myself from crying.

Or that I was almost always stressing out about something.

And how could you?

When I didn't care that sometimes you would shake from anger.

Always managing to hold it in until I was safely away.

We were broken together.

We found each other.

And pulled ourselves together.