Radio Silence

This radio silence is killing me
Communication that slowly became one way
And faded into crackling static when I stopped trying.
I shouldn't be surprised.
My radio has died before.
The ending of conversations
Shouldn't make me feel so alone.
Someday, someone
Will once again tune in
To my unique frequency.
But until they find those waves in the air
This radio silence is killing me.

Missing My New Acquaintance

I've said it before
And I'll say it again
(and maybe someday I'll say it another 2 or 4 or 100 times)-
I was a fool to think I ever had a part of you
To call my own.
You were always just a stranger-
Passing through on your way to your life.
And regardless of my claims or lack thereof,
You've left a me wound that stays dormant;
most of the time.
A glass too many, or a sad song, or a bad night
Are all like scratching at a barely healed cut, right on my heart.
I sit and think of nothing but the way you held me
Or how you'd ignore my text messages
Or how you broke promises
And no matter how bad the memory,
I still miss being able to miss you.
Now that I've lost a lover and a friend,
I realize that all I've gained is an
Acquaintance

Lost And Wandering

Maybe I'm not smart
                        strong
                        focused
                        driven
                                  enough.
There's so much I'm
Just
Not Getting.

By what fault of mine,
     did I end up
here
?

I'm not sure, not sure, not sure, not sure, not sure, not sure, not sure at all.
What the heck is going on?
What is being said?
What are we taking away?

       Someone come and get me
    And take me
And send me a lifeline.
             Please!

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 30

-Closing April-

I'm on the last page
Of this book.
Closing out the month
With no real flair.
For the first time,
I'm not exactly sad to see it go.
But perhaps,
That is because I've been
Too sad about everything else.
Goodbye to the time
Of sweet poetry.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 29

-Abandoned-

I am uncomfortable
Being alone
In a crowded place.
Not intentionally put in a situation of loneliness.
But abandoned
And left to my own devices
Until you arrive.
Left by false plans.
The breadcrumbs have been laid.
The date marked on the calendar.
And yet I'm here on my own
With no one to call a friend.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 28

-For The Best-

There was a time

When I thought you were what I needed

In my life.

But you've left me on my own.

I want to hate you 

For abandoning me.

For wasting me.

But, what you've done is right.

What neither of us had the strength to do

Came to pass on it's own.

And I'll be fine this time.

Because it's what we both need.

What we both can see is best.

I wish you the best.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 27

-Whispers-

Quiet now. Don't make any sudden moves.

Slowly look up at the world around you.

Really take in the crowd you're a part of.

Shhhhh.

I'm watching you, listening to you.

Do you see me? Do you hear me?

I'm the man over there, on his cell phone.

What am I saying? Am I talking about you?

I am that child passing by with my mother.

Can you feel my eyes on you yet?

I am the judgmental teen, ready to comment on everyone else.

Are you doubting yourself yet?

Soon, your ears will burn with embarrassment,

When of course you've done nothing to be embarrassed about.

You will feel a buzzing, a low hum.

It will come from across the room. 

From a stranger passing on the street.

The rumble from next door.

The full chatter of a crowd.

Aimed at you.

Like a missile.

Programed to seek and destroy.

Armed to obliterate 

Your self esteem,

Your self worth.

I am the hissssssing of the voices

Talking about you. 

Drowning you. 

Asking you to 

PAY ATTENTION TO ME! 

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 26

-I Am A Dinosaur-

I am a dinosaur.
I do not pretend.
I hunt in the wild.
I can think and learn and devour you whole.
My instincts are sharp.
I will stop at nothing.
No prey is too large or too smart.
I will win.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 25

-3 Short Moments-

Scrambling words.

Shoving time into the closet 

so it looks like I've got my time organized.

Procrastination poisoning.

Picking the scab until it punctures and bleeds

to avoid doing the work.

Harmonizing alone.

Singing along with the voices 

that live inside the mental capaCITY.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 24

-Spinning World-

Stop this ride!
I want to get off!
I'm sick and the room is spinning
And nothing makes any sense.
All I can see are bright colors,
Laughing faces,
Swirling around my head.
"Go get some water,
You'll feel better then.
It'll all stop spinning in a minute."
These lies keep coming
From the mouths of those
I'm inherently supposed to trust.
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
I want to get off!

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 23

-Weight Loss-

Running faster
And faster
And faster.
Hoping to out maneuver you.
This weight crushing me down.

Alas, I cannot escape.
You find me within hours.
Even when I do all I can
To get rid of you.
You still find a way,
To survive.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 22

-Fairy-Tales and Nightmares-

A harsh wind blows
Through the bare, creaking trees.
Whispering stories of the princes and queens.
Of lost treasure
And glass slippers.
But the hushed tales aren't always nice.
Because if the princess's and the knights exist,
Then so do the dragons and monsters.
The big bad wolf is out there, watching, waiting.
The giant is waking up from the harp.
Fairy-tales are real,
but so are nightmares.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 21

-This-

Spinning head
Fuzzy thoughts
Tingling skin
The way this feels is not unknown,
But every time it feels brand new.
I shut my eyes and I am spinning.
Lay my head down and I am free.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 20

-Last Minute-

Rushing to finish
Forgot to be creative
Such a busy day

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 19

-Derive Poem For A Class I Hate-

The mall. Or an indoor tropical rainforest. Or a music festival. Or a place for the damaged. Lunch breaks at the kiosk where they no longer ask me to update my cell phone plan or straighten my hair. Zombies using their cell phones to locate brains.

“Momma look!”

“What?!”

Babydoll children giggle in the echoing halls. Their carefree voices mixing with the harsh sighs of husbands waiting patiently. Stretched out faces glazing over as they search for the source of that delicious scent. Food mixing with candles mixing with perfumes mixing with harsh chemicals. All in good taste my dear.

“I need help”

“Mommy? MOMMY?!”

“If you find him, call me”

“Where?”

The frantic conversation of the echos. Catching snippets of the whole in my notebook net. My ears too weak to gather more than that quick phrase.

“Huh?”

“My mom made me go”

“Absolutely!”

“Huh?”

“Of Course”

“Huh?”

Catching glimpses of brightly colored hair and brightly colored strollers. Passing from fluorescent to natural light and back again. The indoors mimicking the outdoors with large windows and blown up photographs.

Crowds letting their guard down. On phones. In conversations. Not minding the listeners who walk right past.

“Now he’s saying that we should live in the same apartment complex”

“I’m, like, the only one”

But how can they be the only one, when I’ve had that same conversation? She’s just recycling my words from nine months ago. Is all our language just recycled? Are we living the same life just at different speeds? Unique apart. United together.

Infants babble. Practicing their recycled words for future performance. And the new life will just end up broken and damaged in the end. Like the plaster casts and the crutches and the wheelchairs I see wandering the mall midweek. The unemployed and the possibly unhelped. Less apparent conditions will make themselves known in time.

“I need help”

“Huh?”

“It worked last time”

“Absolutely”

False faces stare out at us from windows. Selling us fabric, and plastic bottles, and chemicals in tubes. Where do they all come from? The products and the faces that sell them? Both mass produced to continue the constant purchasing.

“I hated that!”

“That guy was mean!”

“Huh?”

“No, that’s terrible”

“Yo! I swear to god!”

“Huh?”

Mothers and fathers and babysitters chasing the toddlers through the legs of the mindless shoppers. Catch them if you can. Teach them the values they need to learn.

“Astoria! Share!”

“I wanna be over there!”

“Wait”

“Give me a big hug”

“How embarrassing”

At the end of this life, will we end up here? If “hell is other people” then isn’t this where hell is? Are you “actively dying”? “Is that for here or to go?” Could you ask me again? I’m not sure I’ve figured it out yet.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 18

-The Human Experience-

Drifting
Outside my body
Sitting in the hollow
of my own head.
Watching myself speak
and act and feel.
No longer experiences
of my conscious self.
Yet I am here.
I am present.
I still hear and see
and feel.
I can exist in both truths.
Both here and away.
I am human.
This is my current experience.
Different today then from tomorrow.
And such is life.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 17

-My Wednesday Night-

Drinks with a good friend
Watching the Power-puff girls
Good times had by all

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 16

-The Friend-

Looking back, it's was stupid to think I ever had you.
You were never mine to claim.
Yet the pain of losing you still kills me.
Breaking my heart in two has never been this easy.
But for you it was like ripping paper in half.
And the most painful part for me
Is that you can't just let me go.
Can't tell me to go away and forget.
You want me to stay and be what I always was.
A friend.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 15

-My Heart Goes Out To Boston-

A peaceful day, full of good intentions
Interrupted by the dysfunction of another.

What has our world come too?
That this heartbreaking day
Comes across as "yet another tragedy"?
That we can stop and say
"Again?"

Shouldn't there be more beauty here on earth?
Loving embraces? Warm sunsets? Gentle music?

All we have today is a festering hatred
Infecting more and more people everyday.
And we haven't found the cure.
We should be having race's
To help cure anger, and hate, and sadness.
Phone-a-thons to stop the evil in this life.

How much more can we take?
How many more days until we solve this problem?

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 14

-Dreams?-

Dreams are just nighttime wanderings,
aren't they?
Mine have become alternate realities
that clash together,
leaving explosions of emotions, questions, and lies.
The vividness of these other worlds
are starting to bleed into my reality.
I begin to ask myself
"What is real, and what is dream?"
"Is that experience yours?"
"Did you feel that way yesterday?"
No answers will come from my waking world.
No answers will come from my dream world.
No answers will come...

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 13

-Tattoo-

Classic words.
"I heart mom"
"Angel"
"Peace"

Swirling lines.
Chinese symbols.
Anchors.
Wings.

The ink
Forever imbedded on your skin.
Will it finally sink in,
that this is permanent?

My ink is my choice.
I will decide what image
to permanently display.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 12

-Finishing Tasks-

Accomplishment is a heady feeling.
Knowing that, despite the lack of hours,
and the seemingly endless tasks of the day,
you got a lot done.

Just for once your day isn't wasted.
Perhaps this is the beginning of being an adult.
Becoming like my mother
who can get more done before 9am
then I can get done all day.

If only I'm that lucky.
To turn over a newer, healthier leaf
would be so very sweet.
But regardless,
I shouldn't dwell too long,
for tomorrow is a new day, with a new list.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 11

-Thursday-

Today had been so extraordinarily long winded.
From taking orders
to sitting in class.
I'm on the verge of running
away from everything.
And maybe physically running as well.
Some exercise would do me well.
Because as much as I try,
I'm never satisfied with myself.
Let's just let today go.
Breathe in and out.
And start over tomorrow.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 10

-This Looked Better Hand Written Today-

Sinking slowly
but conversely fast as lightening.
Not sinking in the physical sense,
only in the emotionally tumultuous sense.
With an overwhelming amount
of both work and feelings.
No response from an ever distant-
ever changing man of my night.
No answers given to even my most basic questions.
And yet, night after night,
  minute after minute,
      time after time-
I submit myself to that susceptibility.
Knowing that by doing so,
I'm allowing myself to become
                                         sinkable.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 9

-Swing Set-

I feel as if I'm on an emotional swing set.
Going from hating you
To wanting to see your face.
And just like a swing, it's faster then you'd think.
I tilt my head back and close my eyes.
I feel the rush of the wind on my skin.
Bright, burning light flickers behind my lids.
Lets just hope I don't swing myself too high
And fall off the edge of emotion.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 8

-Grown Up-

I'm putting off growing up.
Because, in reality, who isn't?
None of us want to age
Or get wise.
We want to stay young and dumb
And just live.
I'm still on the edge of living an adult life
And throwing caution to the wind.
But my foot is inching toward adulthood.
Theres only so many feet left before I'm
Grown up.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 7

-Out of Time-

Running out of time
Early morning wake up
Yet sleep evades me

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 6

-Burning In The Darkness-

Dark night huddles around us.

Blankets the town in cool mist.

And yet you still shine bright in my mind.

Put out your light!

You'll draw my attention away

And I won't see where I'm going.

I'll crash into you.

Hurdling through the blackness

At break-neck speeds.

Could either of us survive that?

I'm sure I would cease to be after such a collision.

But, perhaps you could walk away.

I'd rather we didn't find out.

But still you burn.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 5

-Getting There-

My life is a mess.

Plain and simply

Not well organized.

If I could snap my fingers

And make him see what his actions do

I would.

If I could make more time

Magically appear

I wouldn't hesitate.

Maybe if I could

Make my passions be recognized

I'd be further in my career.

But I'm in the place I am.

There's no changing the now.

I'll get there tomorrow.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 4

-Racing My Mind To The Answer-

I'm out of breath
Trying to keep up
With my own thoughts.
They run away
Without me.
What is our mind?
My psychology book tries
And tries to answer that question.
What is performance?
This packets on theater and writing
Offers no insight.
What effect does voice have?
No amount of listening to the radio,
In class or otherwise,
Can give truth.
But I'll keep on
Keeping on.
Keeping pace with my thoughts

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 3

- Over-worked -

Why did I do this to myself?
Overwhelm myself
With so much
Work, work, WORK?!

In-between school-work
And home-work
And real-work
There's emotional-work
And physical-work
And house-work
That needs to get done for my own well being.

Why did I do this to myself?
Overwhelm myself
With so much?

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 2

-Classroom Comfort-

Sometimes people take
"Make yourself at home"
A bit too literally.

I see you come in,
Taking up two seats,
Acting like you're in your living room.

But to me, that's rude.
You don't own this room.
Get your feet off the seat.

You should respect this place;
This place of knowledge.
This public place.

You didn't come here
To be comfortable.
You came here to learn.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 1

-Stranded-

I'm feeling literally and figuratively
Trapped.
Stuck with no means of moving forward.
While I watch cars go by all day,
Taking their orders
Through a muffled headset.
While all night I hear the same cars rush past
And I dream I'm speeding to my destiny.

Don't Go Changing...

Hot anger
Bubbling up
From the past.

Why am I so angry at you?
You did nothing wrong?
And why can't I say it to your face?

You've changed yourself.
Completely.
For another person.

I can't stand that.
Why can't you just
Be who you are and who you were?

And to become so secretive,
To those you once called 'friend';
That's just wrong.

So when it all falls apart
(Because all fake things do)
Don't expect any sympathy.

Anxiety

Tightening of the chest.
Racing pulse, and shallow breath.
Shallow palms.
Can't sleep or think or breathe.

It's not what you think;
Some love sick child,
Grasping at words and emotions.
It's so much more.

It's fear, and tears, and sadness.
Not love at all.
Not when it's all in your head.